PostScript

Why do relationships have to be so hard to figure out? Why can't we just tell a person how we feel about them and accept their answer like you would wants yours?
Boy A was my first boyfriend ever in life but we were too young and immature to be in a relationship. Two years later I'm with Boy1 who was my first serious relationship and love. But Boy1 was mentally and emtionally abusive and used my money for bad things.
Boy A tore me away from Boy1 when we reunited on a Monday afternoon.
Tuesday afternoon, I went to kiss him. Mind you, I was still in a relationship with Boy1 and I thought I'd NEVER cheat on him. Boy A knew it was wrong and asked politely for me to stop and, basically, get back to him when I was single and ready to mingle. I was ready the following day at around 9pm when I boke up with Boy1. Finally.
Boy A immediately stole my heart. He was nice, funny, gorgeous, didnt make me pay for anything, and we already had a history. And he completed our little circle of friends since he already knew all of them. Perfect.
Not Perfect. Boy A had a little issue with making plans with me and then at the last minute saying "Oops, I made plans with someone else. Sorry!" and each time I got more and more hurt, little by little. And then I'd ask myself why I let him get away with it. I never did that to him. And he was supposed to be my "prince charming" of sorts who saved me from the evil dragon (Boy1). So the next, and last, time it happened I told him I didnt like it. I let him know that I noticed how he was always dropping our plans for other ones.
And he breaks it all off with me.
Why? I wish i knew as well.

You Haven't Slapped Yourself in the Face Today

I've found myself needing someone to validate me.
I need somebody to hold my hand
I need somebody to look into my eyes
I need someone to hear me
I need someone to tell me I'm still here.
I need someone to make me feel like I'm still here.
I need someone to remind me I'm still here.
I need someone to make sure I'm still here.

A thought scurried across my mind today in the midst of being a 5th wheel for the second day in a row:
I think I'd rather have an abusive boyfriend who cut up my mind and shot me with his words than be single and alone BECAUSE at the end of the day, he'd still hold my hand and kiss my forehead and make me feel loved. He'd still be standing by my side.

Move Down to Me, Slip into You

I'm so lonely. I'm getting sick and tired of not having something tangible and reliable to call my own. I probably don't deserve to be in any relationship anyway, I'd end up being a hassle and get walked away from. I know it's true and it kills me. I'll never find someone who will be patient enough to deal with this pile of shit Ive become.
But while watching that marvelous (I say that with the utmost sarcasm) new reality show More to Love, I realised that the girls that were more appealing to me were the ones that weren't full of self-pity and feeling sorry for themselves, or talking about how being obese has basically made them endure such a sad life.
That's probably why I could get people to like me in the past. I never ACTED like I felt sorry for myself. I pretended everything was okay and seemed happy. It's getting harder to do that these days which is probably why I don;t reel in as many good fish.
I need to find a good fish, though. I thought I found one but I like him too much to hurt him the way I'm afraid I will. There are plenty of things he doesn't know about me that I'd want him too but I wouldn't want to put that burden on his shoulders like someone once did to me. That was sort of a different situation though, so maybe this would work? Maybe he could be understanding instead of feeling like he needed to "fix" me? And maybe, unintentionally, he would?

Blank Stares, No Cares

The one thing I hate that people do, no matter who the person is, is when someone makes plans with you EVEN IF YOU ASK AHEAD and they bail out at the kast minute/forgot they had other plans.
Thanks alot, I think I've given up all hope on you. I thought I finally found someone after this mess of a relationship I had struggled and suffocated through. I thought you could've been that breath of fresh air that I Knew existed. Pop! That bubble of hope exploded in my fuckingface. I should've expected it though, it's just my luck for shit like that to happen.

I need someone to smoke me out today. I'm too stressed out. I'm even going on vacatin tomorrow and I'm in a sour mood. I was in SUCH good spirits this morning! Oh but no, noname #2 had to ruin it. Thank you!
Thank you for leading me to believe in something positive in my life happening. Thank you for opening my eyes to this new world of someone treating me right. Ah fuck it, I'm not listing anything else. I'm pissed. And I don't feel like creating a waterfall at my keyboard.

My phones breaking again.
I have to bail out on someone else because my cars getting fixed after work. Call me hypocrite.
I could seriously cry right now.
I want to go home.
And stay home alone for a week
since NOBODY WOULD VISIT ME ANYWAYS.
mm, lovely lonely life i have.

I almost had to go to target and buy tissues and razors.
It's only the third day and I'm that bad?
I think I've found my new thing.
And it's not what it sounds like.

-----

Now, In rhyming scheme!-_-

I'm sorry, but I have to end this before it begins

I can't hurt anymore. It won't work I predict

I'm not as important to you as you are to me

Don't try to sugar coat 'cause I already see

How you could hurt me

Without trying

and that Hurts.

You're the Only One, Baby

I'm going to buy hedgehog babies for my birthday! Who could resist those sweet, cartoon-like faces??! I couldn't, that's who. I'm a sucker for baby animals<3>

How am I not in a bad mood (yet)when: 1.I woke up late 2.I forgot my i.d badge for work at home 3.I have no makeup on due to my lack of morning time 4.The phone is ringing a lot aaand 5.It's Monday Don't care but I'm happy that I'm happy(: It truly is a beautiful thing to be in a good mood. And it's scary to think that I'm not always in one. I should go to my therapist again. Just to talk. Just incase I'll need her again.

It's a Dull Life

Cleaned out my room today and that was boring and I just wanted to SLEEP>! But I was going to meet Andy and hangout with him and Heather and make kandy for my birthdaay. Didn't get there til late and only stayed for like an hour because Andy had to go somewhere and Heather had to go to her dad's.
So I was left at home again since Erica was with her boyfriend AGAIN for the millionth day in a row. I miss having a boyfriend. It sucks not having someone here for me:/

I think I'm going t go walking on the treadmill since I'm bored, fat, and have nothing better to do. This has been a pointless Saturday and i dread for future days like this. Blegh, fuck my life.

Oh, and I want these guys for my birthday:


seriously! I'll do anything!<33