twenty-four / seven

my feelings all jumbled: excited, scared, failed, accomplished, hungry, empty, alive, ready, full, wanting
EVERYTHING.
on top of all the minute sadness
i'm extremely happy
i have good friends
i have a job
i have a cuteniceperfectsweet boy
i've learned valuable lessons
i'm getting everything in order.
and i'm more ready than ever for everything and anything

i feel so alive, for the very first time, and i think i can fly.

i love the way he can look at me without saying anything and make me smile so much that a laugh escapes me
i love how every moment i spend with him is exciting and different from the last
i love how i dont feel like i have to impress him; he likes me for me
i love how easy he makes things
i love how relaxed i feel when i'm in his presence
i love how his body molds to mine
i love how it feels like time stops when we're together and nothing else in the entire world matters
it's just me and him
and it feels perfect
more perfect than i ever thought anything could feel

I Will Not Bend Over and Curtsy for You

Im definitely feeling under the weather today. And it doesn't help that my dad's side of the family is over and all the little kids are asking me where every single game is.
I DONT KNOW WHERE MY DS IS. I DONT KNOW WHERE THE FUCKING GAMES ARE. I DONT HAVE ANYMORE BATTERIES. QUITE STARING AT ME I DONT KNO THE FUCKING ANSWER. SIT DOWN AND ENTERTAIN YOURSELF!
I was learning in my speech class about how sesame street was the first show that was made to keep kids' attention and how these days people are "bored" because theyre used to flashing images on a t.v. I will not let my kids watch excessive amount os television for this reason. I don;t want my kids to be bugging bigger kids that they're bored and want to play. They will read and do crosswords and tell stories. Ahh if only.!

Im extra irritable todayy. I'm about to get a migraine.
I hear the fucking loudest tv ever.
I smell rotting animal flesh being BBQed
I taste the after-taste of gatorade, consumed for the sole-purpose of making pee.
I see people. everywhere.
I feel like shit.

Hopefully my best friends can come visit me and save me from this hell.

Shmelly

Cleaning my room has to be the most difficult task, I GET SO DISTRACTED! I read old papers, i play with old trinkets, i look at old pictures, anything to slow down the celaning process. And then end up leaving my room a bigger mess than it was before. Awesome. Part 2 due tomorrow.

My mom bought me two pars of jeans and two tops from H&M, one has a wolf on it! I love cheesy things<33 And they're loose (the tops) so I already loveee them! I can't wait for tomorrow!

I miss my cute boy, even though I'm video chatting with him as I type. He's so comforting{:

The Line

Relaxing! The whole day was like a breath of fresh air!
Saw copycatzilla in the morning, went to brunch with a friend, made a big secret about myself, went to class, and relaaaaaaxed.
This is a day of blankets and pillows and cute things<3 src="http://musthavecute.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/02/cute-plush-guinea-pig.jpg">





interview tmrrw, i need luck! >.<

RzrBld

It was the perfect weather for job hunting today!
Got applications for a few stores i'd never shop at BUT nobodys hiring until seasonal starts-_-
BAH HUMBUG.
kidding, i love christmas. sankyou by jeezus for making a holiday about PRE$ENTS:D



I want to go to the snow and build a monster like this guy!

DEAR HALLOWEEN COSTUME,
HURRY UP AND GET TO MY HOUSE
I WANT TO PUT YOU ON MY HEAD ALREADY<3

i feel like discovering music of all types right now, falalalala lalalala.

Weird|Wired

I think my strange encounter with a madman driver last night has heightened my fear of driving ):

It's gray outside today and i'm really happy about it. It's finally cold! I believe it's time to start buying some jackets, yes?





^^^I WANT ALL OF THOSE NOW.
I'll be warm and cozy and sparkly, weeee!

i'm craving a hot shower, my footsie pajamas, and the fireplace.

xo

PostScript

Why do relationships have to be so hard to figure out? Why can't we just tell a person how we feel about them and accept their answer like you would wants yours?
Boy A was my first boyfriend ever in life but we were too young and immature to be in a relationship. Two years later I'm with Boy1 who was my first serious relationship and love. But Boy1 was mentally and emtionally abusive and used my money for bad things.
Boy A tore me away from Boy1 when we reunited on a Monday afternoon.
Tuesday afternoon, I went to kiss him. Mind you, I was still in a relationship with Boy1 and I thought I'd NEVER cheat on him. Boy A knew it was wrong and asked politely for me to stop and, basically, get back to him when I was single and ready to mingle. I was ready the following day at around 9pm when I boke up with Boy1. Finally.
Boy A immediately stole my heart. He was nice, funny, gorgeous, didnt make me pay for anything, and we already had a history. And he completed our little circle of friends since he already knew all of them. Perfect.
Not Perfect. Boy A had a little issue with making plans with me and then at the last minute saying "Oops, I made plans with someone else. Sorry!" and each time I got more and more hurt, little by little. And then I'd ask myself why I let him get away with it. I never did that to him. And he was supposed to be my "prince charming" of sorts who saved me from the evil dragon (Boy1). So the next, and last, time it happened I told him I didnt like it. I let him know that I noticed how he was always dropping our plans for other ones.
And he breaks it all off with me.
Why? I wish i knew as well.

You Haven't Slapped Yourself in the Face Today

I've found myself needing someone to validate me.
I need somebody to hold my hand
I need somebody to look into my eyes
I need someone to hear me
I need someone to tell me I'm still here.
I need someone to make me feel like I'm still here.
I need someone to remind me I'm still here.
I need someone to make sure I'm still here.

A thought scurried across my mind today in the midst of being a 5th wheel for the second day in a row:
I think I'd rather have an abusive boyfriend who cut up my mind and shot me with his words than be single and alone BECAUSE at the end of the day, he'd still hold my hand and kiss my forehead and make me feel loved. He'd still be standing by my side.

Move Down to Me, Slip into You

I'm so lonely. I'm getting sick and tired of not having something tangible and reliable to call my own. I probably don't deserve to be in any relationship anyway, I'd end up being a hassle and get walked away from. I know it's true and it kills me. I'll never find someone who will be patient enough to deal with this pile of shit Ive become.
But while watching that marvelous (I say that with the utmost sarcasm) new reality show More to Love, I realised that the girls that were more appealing to me were the ones that weren't full of self-pity and feeling sorry for themselves, or talking about how being obese has basically made them endure such a sad life.
That's probably why I could get people to like me in the past. I never ACTED like I felt sorry for myself. I pretended everything was okay and seemed happy. It's getting harder to do that these days which is probably why I don;t reel in as many good fish.
I need to find a good fish, though. I thought I found one but I like him too much to hurt him the way I'm afraid I will. There are plenty of things he doesn't know about me that I'd want him too but I wouldn't want to put that burden on his shoulders like someone once did to me. That was sort of a different situation though, so maybe this would work? Maybe he could be understanding instead of feeling like he needed to "fix" me? And maybe, unintentionally, he would?

Blank Stares, No Cares

The one thing I hate that people do, no matter who the person is, is when someone makes plans with you EVEN IF YOU ASK AHEAD and they bail out at the kast minute/forgot they had other plans.
Thanks alot, I think I've given up all hope on you. I thought I finally found someone after this mess of a relationship I had struggled and suffocated through. I thought you could've been that breath of fresh air that I Knew existed. Pop! That bubble of hope exploded in my fuckingface. I should've expected it though, it's just my luck for shit like that to happen.

I need someone to smoke me out today. I'm too stressed out. I'm even going on vacatin tomorrow and I'm in a sour mood. I was in SUCH good spirits this morning! Oh but no, noname #2 had to ruin it. Thank you!
Thank you for leading me to believe in something positive in my life happening. Thank you for opening my eyes to this new world of someone treating me right. Ah fuck it, I'm not listing anything else. I'm pissed. And I don't feel like creating a waterfall at my keyboard.

My phones breaking again.
I have to bail out on someone else because my cars getting fixed after work. Call me hypocrite.
I could seriously cry right now.
I want to go home.
And stay home alone for a week
since NOBODY WOULD VISIT ME ANYWAYS.
mm, lovely lonely life i have.

I almost had to go to target and buy tissues and razors.
It's only the third day and I'm that bad?
I think I've found my new thing.
And it's not what it sounds like.

-----

Now, In rhyming scheme!-_-

I'm sorry, but I have to end this before it begins

I can't hurt anymore. It won't work I predict

I'm not as important to you as you are to me

Don't try to sugar coat 'cause I already see

How you could hurt me

Without trying

and that Hurts.

You're the Only One, Baby

I'm going to buy hedgehog babies for my birthday! Who could resist those sweet, cartoon-like faces??! I couldn't, that's who. I'm a sucker for baby animals<3>

How am I not in a bad mood (yet)when: 1.I woke up late 2.I forgot my i.d badge for work at home 3.I have no makeup on due to my lack of morning time 4.The phone is ringing a lot aaand 5.It's Monday Don't care but I'm happy that I'm happy(: It truly is a beautiful thing to be in a good mood. And it's scary to think that I'm not always in one. I should go to my therapist again. Just to talk. Just incase I'll need her again.

It's a Dull Life

Cleaned out my room today and that was boring and I just wanted to SLEEP>! But I was going to meet Andy and hangout with him and Heather and make kandy for my birthdaay. Didn't get there til late and only stayed for like an hour because Andy had to go somewhere and Heather had to go to her dad's.
So I was left at home again since Erica was with her boyfriend AGAIN for the millionth day in a row. I miss having a boyfriend. It sucks not having someone here for me:/

I think I'm going t go walking on the treadmill since I'm bored, fat, and have nothing better to do. This has been a pointless Saturday and i dread for future days like this. Blegh, fuck my life.

Oh, and I want these guys for my birthday:


seriously! I'll do anything!<33

These Hands are Too Shaky to Hold.

Alone.
I just feel lonely today.
Everyone else is busy with their number one.
But I don't have one.
I'm not a number one either, apparently.
What a perfect way to end the slowest, quietest, loneliest, most boring day of work.

On top of that, I'm in a pickle.
I want a relationship now. I don't like being "single".
And it would be perfect if he just ended up feeling the same way. Which I highly doubt.
Why did I have to get attached to him so quickly?
I already miss him and I haven't even cut him out of my life yet..

Duty Calls

I feel like such a hero today, I really do! I think I taught my sister what it's like to take care of your own shit. If she wants to grow up as fast as she wants then she needs to pick up her peices as fast as they fall. I am not her maid of life. I can't pick up those pieces, I HAVE MY OWN! And I think I'm picking mine up at a very good pace: I'm officially a full-time student, I have no boy "drama" in my life, no"drama" at all really, and I recently experienced what to do in case I get into an accident. NICEE!

On the other hand, it's Thursday...the day of waiting for Friday. What are my plans for tomorrow? That's another thing I've got worked out, I never need a plan. I have my friends. That's about all I need to know I'm not going to be lonely(:

Good spoirits today.
I want a kitten for my birthday.
I'm having feelings we'll have to move out of my house
I'm having feelings I won't want to leave
I'm having feelings I'd end up moving in with a certain someone.
I'm having feelings that that certain someone is going to be a very special someone in the course of my life
And my feelings about that are good.